


I Know I'm Not the Only One

by mylifeisloki



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I COULDN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD, I'm really sorry for this, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-09 14:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3253925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeisloki/pseuds/mylifeisloki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Song fic based on 'I Know I'm Not the Only One' by Sam Smith. Sometimes it's easier to leave than to fight for what feels right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first of possibly a few fics based on songs that have been getting to me for a while. Let me know if you liked it or not in the comments! Thanks!

_You and me, we made a vow_  
_For better or for worse…_

A year. It had been nearly a whole year since Natasha had walked down the aisle to marry Steve, her curls pinned back and her lips painted a respectable shade of red. He'd proposed on July 4th because he figured she wouldn't break his heart with a 'no' on his birthday, but that hardly mattered because she'd known he was planning on it from the day he'd come home with the ring a month prior. That day, Steve had thought about how crazy it was to see her like that- looking like the prim and proper lady she’d teased him about wanting before they got together. The look wasn’t Natasha, and Steve had been overjoyed to see her let her hair down, both literally and figuratively, for the reception later on that evening.

Their honeymoon had been in Maui, courtesy of Tony, and they spent two solid weeks on the beach. They ate, they laughed, they walked on the beach, and they had sex in every room of their hotel suite, on every surface. Steve couldn’t believe he was so happy, that he was allowed to fall asleep beside his _wife_ every night and wake up the next day with her curls spread over his chest, her hand over his heart. He felt so loved and so fulfilled that it was a wonder his smile didn’t falter from sheer overuse.

_I can't believe you let me down_  
_But the proof's in the way it hurts…_

Life went back to usual when they returned. Missions came in at least every two weeks or so- espionage for Natasha meant having a non-traditional schedule, so she was sometimes called out late at night and only had time to kiss him goodbye before she left for two days or more. But that was just their life. Natasha would be off on a mission for a few days, and Steve would be off on a mission of his own for the same amount of time or even more. It was when they both returned that it felt perfect.

They made up for lost time with a simple ritual. They would see to the bumps and bruises, scraps and sore muscles first. Natasha found herself digging a bullet out of Steve’s arm or thigh more than once, only to wrap it up and chastise him for getting hurt. He would smirk and tease her about it, but he would do exactly the same thing when she came home with injuries. The one constant was that they would make love, taking care to avoid any sore spots, and fall asleep with Steve's arms wrapped securely around Natasha's waist where they belonged.

_For months on end I've had my doubts_  
_Denying every tear_  
_I wish this would be over now_  
_But I know that I still need you here..._

The one thing that remained off limits between them was the details of their respective missions. Details were kept to themselves because they were often classified anyway, and neither Steve nor Natasha wanted to dwell on what they'd done or what they'd seen once it was all over. As long as they were safe and tangled up together in bed when it was done, none of the little things mattered.

Steve never even thought of asking her for any details concerning what kinds of assignments she was given-- until she came home one night and she just didn't smell the same. He looked up from where he was already laying in bed, but she was in the bathroom and running water for a shower before he could place it. By the time she curled up in his arms smelling like the vanilla-scented soap she preferred, he'd pushed that smell to the back of his mind.

But it happened again. Just a few nights later, she returned with that same scent hanging around her and it clicked in Steve's mind right away. Cologne. She smelled of musty, expensive men's cologne.. and it certainly wasn't his. Swallowing hard, he'd remained in bed and reminded himself that Natasha wouldn't do that. No, she.. she wouldn't do that to him. There had to be another explanation.

Over the next month, Natasha was gone about four nights a week, plus some days. Steve understood that apparently she was working on something really big, but every time she came home, she smelled like the same cologne and it was driving him crazy. It made his heart sink every single time.

Eventually, he snapped enough to ask Coulson about it, making a joke of how many times they were calling his wife out of his bed. The older agent looked a little uncomfortable, but he said she was working on something that required a lot of time and Steve knew he had to find out what it was. He had to, or he was going to wind up asking her straight out and accusing his wife of being unfaithful wasn't something he ever wanted to do. She was better than that.

_You say I'm crazy_  
_'Cause you don't think I know what you've done_  
_But when you call me baby_  
_I know I'm not the only one..._

Unfortunately, finding out was more painful than Steve had expected. He enlisted Tony's help in hacking the system and asked for just the file on whatever mission Natasha had most recently been assigned to.

“Checking up on your girl, Cap?” He asked lightly, probably trying to get information without seeming like he was doing just that.

Steve shook his head as Tony loaded the file onto his tablet and handed it over. “No,” he answered quietly. “Just checking up on SHIELD, you know?”

Tony took that as a valid answer and Steve headed up to their bedroom to look the file over. What he found was a mission to take down a Mafia kingpin who was selling weapons to terrorists overseas. And Natasha was getting in good with him so she could get more intel. The file made it very, very clear that she was taking on the role of his girlfriend, his... fling. There were pictures.

Natasha was sleeping with him. Maybe there wasn't any photographic evidence of it, but Steve was a smart guy. There was no way in hell this man would buy her cover if she didn't act the way she was supposed to. She'd been sleeping with him for a month now. A whole month.

Despite attempts to stop himself, Steve read through the whole file before deleting it permanently and closing his eyes to take a few deep breaths. It felt like a betrayal. He knew it was for a mission and he knew... he knew it didn't mean anything to her, but monogamy meant something to _him_. Just the idea that she was talking to someone else the way she spoke to him, touching them the way she touched him, laying... in _his_ arms at night when they were through...

He only snapped out of it when his tablet hit the opposite wall, shattering into pieces as it fell to the floor. And only then did Steve realize his eyes were wet, and he rubbed angrily at them, forcing himself up and off the bed in favor of heading down to the gym for several hours of stress relief.

_You've been so unavailable_  
_Now sadly I know why_  
_Your heart is unobtainable_  
_Even though Lord knows you have mine..._

Steve decided not to say anything about it. Natasha obviously didn't love that other guy or anything, but the fact was that she was his wife and she wasn't supposed to be sleeping with other people. Personally, he never would have slept with someone else for a mission, no matter how dangerous the alternative was. The thought had come to him that perhaps this had happened before, perhaps she'd been sent off to seduce who knows how many people over the course of their relationship... It made him sick to his stomach, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. She lived for her job. She wouldn't stop because of him, and he had a feeling that she would be angry with him for looking, for getting upset, for not understanding the difference between their relationship and her marks.

Usually, it was easy to ignore the nights she didn't spend in their bed, the hot showers she took when she came back, the way she wouldn't ever let him do the laundry. It wasn't so easy to ignore the fact that they hadn't had sex for nearly two weeks now, but Steve knew that was his own fault, his choice. He pretended to be asleep. He made excuses. He just couldn't do it. Luckily, it wasn't anything too out of the norm. They'd been busy for nearly three weeks once and when they were finally in the same place at the same time, they broke a table, their bed, and the wall.

Everything else remained the same. They were coming up upon their first anniversary and Steve had planned a dinner, hoping to have a whole night together and work past his difficulty in the bedroom. He'd told her earlier in the week, wrapping his arms around her from behind and murmuring into her neck that on Friday, he wanted to do something special for her. Seven o'clock, in their dining room.

At eight o'clock Friday evening, it was pretty clear that Natasha wasn't coming. Steve was sitting at the table, meticulously set and prepped for their dinner, and trying very, very hard not to get upset. Things came up. They lived unpredictable lives. He couldn't always expect her to be there.

At nine o'clock, he carefully packed away the whole meal and went down to the gym, but he couldn't quite work up the energy he needed to get his usual workout.

At ten, he crawled into bed and pretended that he would be able to get to sleep that night.

_You say I'm crazy_  
_'Cause you don't think I know what you've done_  
_But when you call me baby_  
_I know I'm not the only one..._

The next morning, after about two hours of 'sleep' that included more tossing and turning than actual rest, Steve woke up with a headache and a text.

'Sorry I missed dinner. Got a call unexpectedly. Love you. See you soon.'

He stared at it for a long time, eventually typing out a response that didn't include any of the accusations or questions he wanted to ask. The truth was that Steve knew he couldn't make her feel bad about this because it was her job. He didn't _want_ to make her feel bad because she was his wife and despite the fact that it hurt, he just should have known.

'Always time for a rain check. Love you too. Be safe.'

_I have loved you for many years_  
_Maybe I am just not enough_  
_You've made me realize my deepest fear_  
_By lying and tearing us up..._

Maybe she wasn't cut out for married life. Steve was a firm believer that not everything was an okay option for every person out there-- and Natasha had been hesitant about the whole idea of marriage before they'd gotten engaged.

Maybe he wasn't good enough to keep her happy when tied down. Did she even realize what she was doing to him? Did she realize that he was in the shower and ignoring the tears that finally spilled because he couldn't be anything less than the soldier people expected? Did she realized that he loved her too much to leave, that he thought divorce meant failure and failure wasn't an option?

But what if he _wasn't_ good enough? Almost a hundred years and he still wasn't good enough for anyone? Why couldn't he ever be the person he wanted to be? If he was worth it, maybe she wouldn't have agreed to step out like she was. 

She was with him right now. She was with that other guy, probably sitting beside him or calling him the pet names she used for Steve. She was probably using their time in bed together to gather the information she needed, using her body as a weapon... She was touching his jaw or his hair or his chest, calling out his name, telling him how good he was... And it wasn't like she was cheating, right? But she made this choice and Steve felt so _left out_ of it. They were married- she should have discussed this with him instead of hiding it. 

_You say I'm crazy_  
_'Cause you don't think I know what you've done_  
_But when you call me baby_  
_I know I'm not the only one..._  


_I know I'm not the only one_  
_I know I'm not the only one_  
_And I know,_  
_and I know,_  
_and I know,_  
_and I know,_  
_and I know,_  
_and I know, know..._

Three days later, Steve had made a decision without any sign of Natasha just yet. The truth was that he loved her so much it hurt. And Steve knew that she loved him too. She came home to him at night. She was only doing her job. She obviously thought it was better to hide it.

Nothing she could say or do would make it better in his mind because she was _with_ someone else in the physical sense and the reasoning that it was 'just sex' or 'part of the mission' didn't hold up to marriage vows and his trust. Besides, couldn't it be possible, even likely, that there was a part of her that enjoyed being with whoever else she was with? The thought of it made Steve want to stick his head in the sand because it felt like she'd be comparing him when and if they ever had sex again.

And it was also true that he would have asked her to not seduce any marks had she come to talk to him about it, which she very well knew. She knew he wouldn't have been okay with it, so she lied in order to keep doing it. But sometimes... Sometimes work wasn't as important as relationships and trust and love. But maybe she didn't understand that.

Steve was already in bed when she came in, disappearing into the bathroom for fifteen minutes or so before emerging in a cloud of vanilla and slipping into bed beside him. She pressed against him this time, reaching up to touch his cheeks and offer him a warm smile.

“Hey, soldier,” she whispered in greeting. “Miss me?”

He nodded and wrapped his arms around her waist, hiding his face in her shoulder. Having her there, in his arms with her lips curling into a smile against his neck? He wouldn't trade it for anything. He wouldn't give up the good times to acknowledge the bad. And maybe one day, Natasha wouldn't do those missions anymore.

“Always,” he huffed quietly, pulling her as close as possible.

_I know I'm not the only one._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is from Natasha's POV and this is pretty much... the resolution. There's a bit of fluff, bit of angst, some tears. But all in all, Nat gets to explain herself to Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the idea for what she's actually doing on mission from one of the comments-- so thank you 'helloinspiration'! You are appropriately named! Also, I used 'Stay', by Rihanna to help move it along.

_All along it was a fever_  
_A cold sweat hot-headed believer_

Some people fall in love bit by bit, with each moment spent with that special someone bringing them a little closer to knowing for sure. And then other people fall in love all at once, releasing the brakes and letting themselves fall headfirst into the supposedly wonderful feeling that is being in love.

Natasha had never considered herself either of those people. She'd had a few love affairs here and there, but she could honestly say that she'd never given her heart to anyone the way she had given it to Steve. He was different somehow and she didn't know how to respond to the sweet smiles he threw her way or the way her stomach fluttered when he said her name.

At first, it was all very passionate. It was overwhelming and heated and everything Natasha loved. Steve was this hot-headed, over the top, outrageous character that Natasha had to really try to understand. Manipulating him wasn't like manipulating anyone else because he was basically immune to guile, much to her chagrin. Weeks of trying to get him into bed without explanation or open effort on her part led to absolutely nothing. Just when she was beginning to think that he actually wasn't interested in her that way, they came back from a bad mission and he shoved her right up against the wall, covering her mouth with his own like if he didn't make sure that every single inch of her was intact and alright, he might not be able to live with himself.

The sex was fantastic. It wasn't _just_ rough when she needed it to be or objectively satisfying, but they could laugh together. Steve would murmur some stupid line against her neck or her belly or her thigh and Natasha would find herself laughing, rolling her eyes at him and similarly rolling them over to get back at him. They could be found making out like teenagers after missions, followed shortly by the door to Steve's room slamming closed so they could get to more important things. Natasha tempted him into fucking her in the kitchen, and Steve managed to initiate sex in the gym. It was the kind of relationship that was simple and fun, and it left Natasha feeling rather happy, believe it or not.

_I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"  
_ _He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."_

And when they weren't having sex, she still wanted to be around him. She would find herself draped over his lap as he watched one of many, many movies he was catching up on, or she would read curled up beside him as he wandered around online, stopping only to comment on things he brought up on the screen. They had breakfast together sometimes, especially when Steve was cooking because Natasha was positive that watching a shirtless super-soldier flipping pancakes was possibly the most appetizing thing in the world.

She panicked when he told her he loved her. It was such a simple thing, and he'd said it so sweetly to her, but Natasha could remember how she'd slipped out of bed and stammered some excuse while she dressed, disappearing a moment later. She'd felt horrible for it, and she didn't even know why she'd reacted that way. It took thirty six hours and a lecture from Clint, but Natasha realized that she'd panicked because she loved him too. With all her heart, and there was no getting around that.

Around dusk, she showed up at Steve's door and asked to come in, waiting until the door was closed behind them to slide her arms around his neck and pull him into a long kiss. When they parted, she slid her hand down to his cheek and locked their gazes together, trying to communicate what she couldn't quite say just yet. He understood and a while later, she was sleeping peacefully in his arms, her nose pressed into his neck.

But there was more to all this than Steve understood. They never discussed work, aside from missions they were assigned to together, but Natasha knew the nature of her work and she knew that Steve would hate it if he found out what kinds of missions she was assigned to all the time. He would hate what they expected her to be able to do in order to secure a certain level of clearance. If he wanted to take this 'relationship' from where it was to a totally monogamous arrangement, she wasn't sure she would be able to say no-- and she knew he would regret it in the future.

God only knows what possessed her to do it, but Natasha let it happen. She let Steve take her out for dinner. She let him take her dancing and taught him the proper way to do it so no one's toes got stepped on. She let him surprise her with tickets to the ballet, a trip to go ice skating at Rockefeller Center, a candlelit dinner at home, a movie premiere when he could swing it... He was a phenomenal boyfriend. It was true that their work did keep them apart every so often, but they got through it and even though Natasha hadn't quite moved in with him just yet, she felt like they were going to last for a long time.

She hadn't seen the ring coming. July 4th and they were at the beach on Coney Island to watch the fireworks-- Well, she thought that was all they'd be doing. Steve was down on one knee at the most opportune moment and Natasha could hardly believe it because the notion that he would want to spend the rest of his _life_ with her was just unfathomable. But she said yes. Oh, she said yes and they kissed... and managed to make the front page of the Daily News the next morning.

_Round and around and around and around we go...  
_ _Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know._

Married life wasn't nearly as terrifying as Natasha had thought it might be. She loved coming home to Steve and she was pleased to find out that the whole 'no sex after marriage' thing was a complete fabrication. Steve was still just as eager as he'd always been, and she was ready and willing whenever the mood struck. Almost a year in, she loved him just as much as she always had, even though that love has matured to a more comfortable state.

Natasha had been so good about working around the assignments she was handed. She wasn't just a one trick pony and she could get what she wanted, get the information she needed, while remaining faithful to Steve. Most of the time, she barely had to worry about actually sleeping with the guy because she could get everything out of them with a few touches, a kiss here and there, sitting on their lap and coaxing it out of them. She did it for Steve, and she did it because she knew very well that he wouldn't approve, work or not. The last thing she wanted was to lose him.

_Not really sure how to feel about it._  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you.  
_ _It takes me all the way._

Maybe that was where she'd gone wrong. Because when Coulson handed her a new assignment that would involve her assuming a new persona for quite a few weeks, Natasha knew she couldn't get out of it, and she knew there was no way a boss like her target would be satisfied with a few flirtations. But it was her job! This was her _job_ and it wouldn't be right of Steve to ask her to stop just because of a couple of meaningless nights.

But she didn't tell him. Because she knew he would ask her to, and she knew she would have to figure out how to let everyone down without putting someone else's life in danger, which was an optimistic circumstance that she'd never be able to actually achieve.

The first day, she readied herself for what would certainly be an experience that left her feeling dirty and used, undeniably unworthy of the man who slept beside her every night. What she hadn't expected was that her big, scary kingpin was actually a thirty year old man thrown into the role when his predecessor had been killed unexpectedly-- and also a man who happened to be hopelessly in love with his number two. She found out that first night when he and Natasha made it back to his bedroom and, despite trying every way she knew to help him, Natasha couldn't quite inspire an erection. Everything clicked as he stammered his way through his excuses and she tacitly agreed to be his 'girlfriend' to keep up appearances.

And they made it look convincing. Natasha was there whenever she had to be, draped over him and kissing his neck, seeing to his every need like a good woman might. She served his drinks, hinted at their pretend sex life, and made sure that she eased him into the proper way to pretend with her. Of course, he trusted her more than anyone and the secrets spilled out of him in no time. Still, she went home each time and took the hottest shower she could handle, bathing herself in vanilla scented body wash in the hopes that Steve wouldn't ask any questions. It would only be a few months- three at the most- but she was lying to him and Natasha knew that she shouldn't be. She should have told him.

_I want you to stay_  
_It's not much of a life you're living_  
_It's not just something you take–it's given_  
  
_Round and around and around and around we go  
_ _Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know._

Natasha had to give it to Steve, because she hadn't realized he'd figured it all out until a certain number of nights passed with her coming home to face his broad shoulders where she laid beside him in bed. He never faced her anymore, never pulled her into his arms and told her how much he loved her while he kissed her neck. He knew, or he thought he knew- that much was clear.

In some ways, she wished he would confront her about it. If he started a fight, she could defend herself and tell him the truth, which was that she'd only touched the guy once and they hadn't even had sex and it was okay! It was really okay! It meant nothing at all. She still loved him so much. But Steve said nothing and Natasha felt like she was watching the bright smile she'd fallen in love with slowly fading like the happiness in his eyes. And all that was because of her. The problem was that if she went and told him what was happening, he wasn't going to believe her because she'd waited this long. If she initiated this conversation, he would think it was a cover.

_Not really sure how to feel about it._  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you._  
_It takes me all the way.  
_ _I want you to stay._

In her moments of righteous indignation, Natasha told herself that she was right for not telling him. They'd made a pact not to discuss work and this was no exception. And besides, she found out after a pathetically small amount of effort that Steve had asked Tony to check up on her. Did he not trust her? Steve telling her that he would trust her with his life meant a lot to Natasha and the thought that he might not anymore... or that he might not trust her with his _heart_... It hurt. Natasha told herself that if he wanted to go, she wouldn't stop him.

But none of that was true. In fact, despite outwards appearances and the lack of necessary communication between them, Natasha could hardly stand the thought of Steve leaving her. He'd opened her eyes to so many things over the course of their relationship. She'd learned to love in a way that was more innocent than anything she could remember, and she'd really started to believe that she was worth how sweet he was to her, always leaving little notes or flowers or the sweets he knew she loved. He couldn't leave. She couldn't go back to the way it had been. Maybe all that had been fine before, but now that she'd known something so much more fulfilling... No. She had to do something. And he had to stick with her. He just had to.

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, the reason I hold on...  
_ _Ooh, ooh, ooh, 'cause I need this hole gone..._

If one were to ask Natasha when she'd first realized that Steve was  _different_ for her, she would have cited the fact that he hadn't tried to flirt or pick her up within the first week of knowing her. She would make a joke of it and say that he'd waited a whole year before doing what he'd wanted to do from the beginning. In reality, aside from the time spent together during the Winter Soldier fiasco, Natasha had first discovered her feelings for Steve several weeks after they'd begun sleeping together... when Steve woke her in the middle of the night in the midst of a nightmare.

His brow was furrowed, his skin covered in a light sheen of sweat as his hands curled tightly into the sheets below them. “Steve?” Natasha had turned over and pushed herself up to sit beside him, carefully observing the way his lips parted as he panted and mumbled words she couldn't quite make out just yet. “Steve.” Nothing. She didn't step in, fearful of how badly he might react to someone touching him, until she made out the words.

“No. No, no, no...” In that moment, she didn't care if she was knocked clear across the room. Steve needed her. Reaching out, she smoothed her fingers over his cheek and leaned down close, kissing his jaw and nosing into his neck in the hopes that soft touches might wake him.

“Steve,” she murmured. “It's just a nightmare. Wake up.”

Luckily, it hadn't taken him very long. Steve's eyes popped open and he stared up at Natasha for a few horrified moments before quickly moving to wrap one arm around her, pulling her as close as he could and turning so he could hide his face in her neck. It was only by the trembling of his shoulders that she knew he was really shaken, but what she couldn't get out of her head was the overwhelming heartache in his eyes. The next morning, after he'd fallen back to sleep with both arms wrapped perhaps a little more tightly than usual around her waist, Natasha realized that she had to do one of two things: Acknowledge the nightmare and make him talk about it, or ignore it. She chose the third option, which was to wake him up with soft kisses and, when he tried to apologize, cut him off with another pointed kiss that hopefully communicated all she needed to say.

It happened less frequently now, but there was an unspoken communication between them regarding Steve's nightmares. She could never think of him as weak for them, and he knew it. It was their innate ability to communicate that kind of thing that had Natasha hoping Steve would understand and give her another chance. Because the truth was that Steve's problems might have broken him if he wasn't so incredibly strong, but Natasha needed to be saved on another level. She needed him to be there.

_Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving  
_ _'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving._

It had been exactly forty three days of this torture when Natasha came home at two in the morning to an empty bed. Steve hadn't touched her for the duration of her mission- nothing beyond a kiss each morning and, if she was there, a kiss before bed. She'd gotten used to coming home to a dark room and curling up next to Steve without much interaction between them, but this was different. This was very different. Turning away from the door to their bedroom, she padded into the living room instead, where Steve sat under the glow of a single lamp, his eyes on the windows overlooking the city.

“Steve?” She ventured carefully. “Are you alright, soldier? It's past your bedtime.”

Steve turned to face her, but he couldn't quite pick up his smile the way he used to. “I woke up,” he explained. “Couldn't get back to sleep.”

That meant he'd had a nightmare, but their eyes locked for about fifteen seconds and Natasha had a feeling there was more bothering him than just the memories that haunted him sometimes. Sighing quietly, she moved to stand in front of him and reached up for his cheek. He leaned into the touch immediately, covering her hand with his own and turning into hers and-- and pulling away.

Natasha found herself standing there, her hand in the air, wondering when this was going to end. Would he ever believe her when she said that the pictures of her in his bed were for show? What would it do to them, if she told him the truth and he didn't believe her? What would keeping up this charade do to them? Would he ever be able to forgive her for a sin she'd never committed? It belatedly occurred to her that the scent of Antonio's cologne must have turned his stomach.

“I know what you think you found out,” she said evenly, lowering her hand and facing him dead on. “And I should have told you weeks ago that you're wrong. Whatever you're thinking, you're wrong.”

He scoffed. Natasha hated the way Steve's features contorted into this pained, rueful smile. He wasn't supposed to ever be that hurt- especially not by her. “I saw the pictures, Natasha,” he reasoned. “I know what's going on and I can't deal with it. I tried, and I can't. I can't..” He sighed, lowering his gaze. “I can't touch you when I know you've been with him.”

_Not really sure how to feel about it.  
_ _Something in the way you move..._

Natasha's chest tightened. Steve had never done anything but love her and she'd put him through this because of her own uncertainty. “You're wrong,” she said again. “I'm not sleeping with him.”

It was so clear that he didn't believe her. Steve rubbed a hand over his face and nearly laughed, shaking his head as he finally turned again to look at her. “I saw the pictures!” He argued. “I saw _pictures_. So what the hell do you want me to take from this, Nat? That you're.. somehow fooling him into thinking you're having sex with him when you're not? That's why you take a shower when you come home. To get rid of.. the smell of him.” Steve was disgusted by it, and he turned away again, his hand covering his mouth.

Natasha nodded slowly. “That's true,” she admitted. “But I'm not sleeping with him.”

Flabbergasted and getting more and more irritated by the second, Steve's hands curled into fists and Natasha severely worried for both his own well-being and the strength of the glass windows beside them. “Stop lying to me,” he demanded.

“I'm not lying,” she insisted. “Antonio is gay. I'm not sleeping with him.”

That stopped Steve in his tracks for a minute as he thought it over, but it still didn't make sense. “If he's gay, then why's he got you? And why.. Why wouldn't you tell me sooner?”

“Because he wants to maintain a certain image,” she explained. Antonio's motives were decent enough, but the second inquiry... Now, that was a hard question to answer. “I don't know,” she admitted quietly. “Honestly, Steve. I don't know why. I guess I got mad that you would think I was sleeping with him, and then I realized that I _would have_ slept with him and I was mad at myself...”

Steve turned back to her and frowned, his brows knitting together. “You would have?”

Natasha cringed, and it was an outward cringe this time. “Steve, it's my job. I have to get the information by any means necessary. You knew what I am when you married me--”

“Have you slept with anyone else in the time we've been together?”

The answer was an easy one, but she didn't  _want_ to answer it. She couldn't, because he would leave. Unfortunately, Steve knew her well enough to understand the truth even without her saying it. The look on his face wasn't something Natasha wanted to remember and she stepped up to him right away, reaching out to place her hands on his cheeks even as he closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Steve, it didn't mean anything,” she tried. “It didn't mean anything. It was just work. It was just for the job.” Natasha could feel herself getting upset, and by the time he pried her hands away, she knew she was going to cry. Tears welled up and she bowed her head, slowly shaking it from side to side. “Please don't go.”

_Makes me feel like I can't live without you._  
_It takes me all the way.  
_ _I want you to stay, stay._

Steve was silent for a long time, just holding Natasha's hands as she ducked her head away from him and tried to stop her tears. He was going to leave, she knew it. He'd file for divorce and she would have to give up all the things she'd never thought herself actually worthy of having in the first pla---

“I love you.”

Natasha sniffled and peered up at him, meeting his gaze even though she felt like she wanted to hide. “I love you too, Steve. Please, you have to bel--”

Letting go of her hands, he held his own up to make her stop and carefully took hold of her upper arms while he seemingly thought his way through what he was going to say to her.

“I do believe you,” he said eventually, his voice somewhat raw as he was still pretty upset. “I believe that you love me and I believe that you thought it was okay... But I can't handle it. And I'm asking you as your husband whether or not you can see yourself not doing that kind of work anymore. Because I don't... I don't want to lose you. But this is tearing me apart.”

Natasha nodded right away. “Yes,” she answered. “Yes. I'll tell Fury not to expect that of me anymore. I should have in the first place, Steve. I'm so sorry.”

Steve shook his head a little and finally pulled her in for a hug, wrapping his arms around her waist while she cradled his head and pressed kisses over his face, ending with a firm peck on his lips. There was nothing else they could say, so Steve just took her hand and led her to the bedroom, where they undressed each other and crawled into bed. Natasha took her place once again and as Steve wrapped his arm around her, she laced their fingers together and lifted his hand to kiss his knuckles, closing her eyes only when she felt him smile against her neck. Finally, things were going back to normal.

_I want you to stay, oh..._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
